Light Up
A psychiatrist got a frantic call in the middle of the night from one of his patients who was a kleptomaniac. “Doctor, you’ve got to help me,” he begged. “I’ve got that urge to steal.”
“Oh, for heaven’s sake,” the psychiatrist replied. “Just take two bulbs and call me in the morning.”
Job Trend
Gilbert was talking to a new acquaintance at a dinner party and the conversation got to unemployment.
“You know, it’s really sad,” he said. “So many people are out of work, and here I am living off the fat of the land.”
“How do you manage that?” Noynoy asked.
His voice lowered to a whisper as he replied, “I’m an aerobics instructor.”
Amazing Tactics
A man was gripping to his friend about how he haled to go home after a late card game.
“You wouldn’t believe what I go through to avoid waking my wife,” he said. “First I kill the engine a block from the house and coast into the garage. Then I open the door slowly. Next I take off my shoes and tiptoe to slide into bed, she always wakes up and gives me hell.”
“I make a big racket when I go home,” his friend said.
“You do?”
“Sure. I honk the horn, slam the door, turn on all the lights, stomp up to the bedroom and give my wife a big kiss. ‘Hi beautiful,’ I say ‘How about a little smooch for your old man?’”
“And what does she say?” his friend asked in disbelief.
“She doesn’t say anything,” his buddy replied. “She always pretends she’s asleep.”
Bearing the Load
A production manager and the marketing manager decided to spend a weekend hunting polar bears. As soon as their helicopter dropped them off, the marketing manager took his binoculars and went to scout around.
Meanwhile, the production manager pitched their tents, set up their camp beds, cleaned the guns, and was just preparing supper when the marketing manager rushed into the camp with two large polar bears snapping at his heels
“You take care of these two,” he shouted. “I’ll go and get some more.”
Question of Age
Writer Willie Morris remembers the time he was on a college lecture tour during the Vietnam War years.
A student at one school taunted him. “I don’t trust anyone over 30,” he said. “What do you think of that?”
Morris replied, “I didn’t trust anyone under 30 – they lacked experience, were self-righteous and ignorant of the rhythms of history. Furthermore, I trusted no one over 30, obsessed as they were with material things.”
“How old are you?” the young man wanted to know.
“I’m 30” Morris said.
Death Files
A reporter spent 90 minutes conducting an interview with an attorney. “When will this run in the paper?” the attorney asked.
“Well, that’s sort of up to you,” the reporter said. “I keep the obituary files.”
Friends in Capiz
Traveling by car, Kaye, who wants to attend the annual Ati-Atihan Festival got hopelessly lost in Capiz. After wee hours of driving in circles, she found a native who wears a friendly smile and tried to explain the complicated route to Kalibo. Seeing the confused look on Kaye’s face, the man rephrased the directions. “Don’t listen to anything I say,” he told her. “Just watch my hands!”
Kaye got to her destination.
Perfect Timing
A train was just pulling out of the station, when an elderly couple rushed into the platform. All out of breath they sat down and starting blaming each other.
“If you hadn’t spent so much time with your shopping,” said the man, “We’d have made the train.”
“And if you hadn’t run so fast,” replied the woman, “We wouldn’t have to wait so long for the next one.”
Oh, brother!
Sandra tried to explain to her six-year-old son the relationship between him, her new husband and their baby. She didn’t want to use the term ‘half brother’ because she was afraid he wouldn’t accept the baby, but she finally had no choice. Her son sat for a minute thinking it over and then looked up to her and said, “And when he grows up, he’ll be my whole brother!”
Mission
A group of animals attended P.E. lessons for additional skills. The duck, a swimmer, joined a running class, tore its feathers and ended a second class swimmer. The dog broke its leg trying to fly. The eagle got drowned attempting to swim. At the end of the course, nobody of these animals became good at anything.
Moral: Be what you are. Avoid what you are not; we are created by God with special talent for a special purpose.
Tourist Class in Morocco
On vacation in Tangier, Morocco, Max sat down at a street café. Soon he felt the presence of someone standing alongside. He had been cautioned about beggars and was told to ignore them. But this one wouldn’t budge. At one moment he bent over with a big smile, showing him a single gold teeth and a dingy fez. Finally a man walked over to him and whispered, “Hey, buddy, this guy’s your waiter and he wants your order.”
FarmBell
A newly wed couple, Zeb and Martha, settled down on their new land. They built a cabin, a barn and a corral for their livestock. Then Zeb hung a big bell in a tree and explained. “There are renegades around here Martha. If you need me ring this bell – but only in an emergency.”
Days later as Zeb was riding out to the fields to cut wood, he heard the bell ring. He headed home at full gallop.
“What’s wrong?”
“I just thought you’d like some fresh coffee,” Martha said.
“Oh, woman, I said the bell was for emergencies. Half the day is gone, and I still have chores to do.”
Once more he rode out. Just as he picked up the ax, he heard the bell. Again he raced home.
“The washtub’s leaking,” Martha reported.
“That ain’t a blasted emergency! I’ve gotta out the wood.”
Two hours later Zeb was chopping down a tree and the bell rang. He charged home to find the cabin in flames, the barn burned to the ground and his cattle stampeding away. Then he found Martha, slumped near the bell, with an arrow in her shoulder.
“Now, Martha,” Zeb exclaimed, “this is more like it!”
Jack Lemmon
Actor Jack Lemmon, on the ups and downs of his profession:
“One of the best things that ever happened to me was back in 1960-61 successes. I went back to Broadway to do a play called Face of a Hero. As far as the reviews were concerned, the play should have been called the ‘Trace of a Zero.’ It was a disaster.”
“I went to sleep after a traumatic opening night and when I got up the next day, I opened the door and there were three scripts hand-delivered because they knew the play would close and I’d be available.”
“I’ve never forgotten the lesson. Failure doesn’t hurt you. It’s the fear of failure that’s the killer.”
Woman
“Daddy had a strange woman in his apartment over the weekend,” the young daughter of divorced parents reported to her mother.
“He had the nerve to put you in such a filthy, disgusting environment?”
“I know – - that’s what the woman said too. And she also told him she didn’t do windows.”
Fool ‘em
While waiting in line at a bank a man developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller’s window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened.
The teller took his check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After a minute she looked up with a frown and said that she would unable to cash his check.
“Why not?” the man asked incredulously.
“I’m sorry, sir,” she replied, “But our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact,” she continued, “Our records show your account overdrawn in excess of P500, 000.”
“It can’t be!” he cried. “You have to be kidding!”
“Yes, I am,” she answered with a smile, counting out his cash. “But you will notice that your hiccups are gone.”
Cash and Parry
My grandfather had extensive dental work done but was nonetheless appalled by the amount of his bill. Discussing it with the dentist, Grandpa was told,” I’ve had years of expensive schooling, and when you require my services you must be prepared to pay for that schooling.”
Grandpa mused this over for a moment and the asked, “All by me?”
Hydrophobic
On the day of camp, a counselor watched in astonishment as a youngster rubbed a new bar of soap back and forth on a cinder block wall. Finally he asked the boy what he was doing.
“If I don’t rub the writing off of the soap,” the camper explained, “My mother will know that I didn’t take a bath this week.”
Tourist Class in Russia
While visiting Leningrad, Arian was impressed by the cleanliness of the statues in public parks and squares. In spite of the hundreds of pigeons, there was no evidence that a single bird has misbehaved. “It’s remarkable,” she said to their Russian guide. “Comrade Lenin, Pushkin the poet, Peter the Great – they’re all so clean!”
“Madame,” he replied. “The government forbids the befouling of historic monuments. Our pigeons are fully aware of the penalties.”
Practice!
In an interview with an American journalist, Ravi Shankar, India’s most famous sitar player, was asked whether he practiced daily.
Ravi replied, “I believe in the saying that if you miss one day, you notice it. If you miss two days, the critics notice it. If you miss three days, the audience notices it.”
Scientific Wonder
Jed, research chief of a small enterprise, was a typical absent minded scientist. One Friday, Diane handed him a letter, asking him to register and mail it on his way home. She stressed the fact that it was very important and he replied that, despite her opinion of his memory, he was quite capable of doing this little errand.
When he came in the next Monday, Diane asked if he had mailed the letter “Well,” he said indignantly, slapping the letter on her desk, “If you don’t trust me, why don’t you mail it yourself!”
M. D.
A senior resident at a Midwestern Hospital had completed a routine physical exam on a six-year-old when the mother mentioned her concern about her son’s craving for junk food. The doctor pondered on how he might get the child to see the light about his poor diet. “So,” he asked “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
“I want to be a doctor,” said the boy.
I’ve got him now, he thought. “And what would you say to a boy whose mother complained about his eating so much junk food?”
Without hesitation, the youngster replied, “I ate junk food when I was a kid, and look at me now!”
A Dose to Sleep
A student who was taping his professor’s lecture explained, “I have been suffering from insomnia and am apt to fall asleep during class.”
“I would try to cure the insomnia if I were you,” the professor suggested.
“I’m doing just that, sir.”
Stroke of a Genius – Sale
When a 21-year-old man, moved from his apartment, he carted old books, records, furniture and appliances downstairs and placed them by the curb for the trash pick up. On his final trek to the street, he saw a young man had placed price tags on each of the items and was doing a thriving business.
Commercial Cleaner
My Aunt was showing her lovely home to Andy, which he had been hired to clean. Andy was impressed by the elaborate display of home entertainment equipment, including a large screen TV and wondered aloud why the previous worker had left, my Aunt said with a hint of annoyance, “We couldn’t afford him. He was a commercial cleaner.”
“Oh,” Andy said. “One of those expensive professionals.”
“No,” my Aunt replied. “He only cleaned during commercials.”
